First off, I'd like to apologize for taking so long to post. Things have been a little crazy.
My allergies are also acting up, and I just took a couple of Benadryl which means that 1 of 2 things will probably happen. A) I fall asleep and don't get this done tonight or B) I start going loopy and say a bunch of random things and publish this before I have a chance to look it over. I'll try and hang onto my sanity long enough to get this up tonight.
I spent the weekend with my dad's parents. I haven't spent the night there in a while. It was a fun weekend. My grandpa and I went golfing yesterday, and then he had to referee a volleyball tournament yesterday evening, so I went and hung out with him there. My great-grandma, grandma, and I all went to church together this morning.
My grandparents live in the middle of country. It's relaxing but a total change of pace. They still have a dial-up computer and a TV that doesn't work when the wind is blowing more than 10 mph. Thank God there was still cell reception!
This morning, my great-grandma, grandma, and I got up and went to their little country church. I hadn't been there in a very long time. I totally forgot what it was like to be in a church where there were 13 people total... and 8 of them were family members. I forgot what it was like to be in a church where there's not even a microphone for the preacher to speak in. Where there's no A/C and church gets canceled due to heat. Where worship is a single person standing in the front of the church singing acapella. Where everyone is rejoicing for the quarter inch of rain we got last night. It was a refreshing change and it was kind of nice to get away to place where no one sweats the small stuff.
It got me thinking back to how much simpler things used to be. Now, I've only lived 15.75 years on this earth, but talking to relatives, I've heard that things used to be much, much simpler.
In 1934, my great-grandfather was 16 and playing in a band in a restaurant when my 13 year old great-grandma walked in. He took one look at her in her pink and white cowboy boots, looked her in the eye, and said "I'm gonna marry you one day, pretty lady." They've been together ever since.
My grandmother and grandfather started dating when they were 12. My grandpa said they had a jukebox in the cafeteria and everyday at lunch from 7th grade til they graduated, he and my grandma would dance cheek to cheek.
They weren't caught up in all the stupid drama we have now days. People were true to their word. I was talking to my great-grandma this weekend and she mentioned how she missed the days when a man's handshake was all you needed to know that he was going to do what he said. Now, you can't even be sure that a signature in ink means something.
Along the same lines, as I was driving home today, I passed a middle school sign that instead of containing the intended virtue of the week, contained an extremely inappropriate word. That started a conversation with my mom about how the past couple of generations have sort of gotten out of line.
I am extremely lucky. Our school instills in you the need for respect. We have a new football coach that demands the players call him sir. Some think it's going to far or that it's "old school." I think it's good. I also remember having talks in basketball or softball where the coach sits you down and explains that any time you have the school name on your shirt, you MUST conduct yourself in a way that upholds the values of the school and that you are always representing and showing the school and community in a positive light.
This weekend just reminded me of a lot of things. One of those being that, while yes, things used to be simpler, we are stuck in this world and in this time, and we can make it be whatever we want it to be.
Last year, I made a decision to have no drama. Guess what? Last year was drama free!
If you want to be caught up in all the gossip, drama, rumors, and other pointless things the world drags us in to, then go ahead. Just know that that's not the only option. Unfortunatly, time travel is still not possible, but you can go back to simpler times just by your mind set.
As much as the times make the people, the people make the times.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Drowning
I am drowning.
I remember the very second the water rose above my head... 7:34 A.M. last Tuesday morning. I didn't realize I was drowning then. I thought everything was okay. I was mistaken.
Tuesday morning was the first day of school. I knew my schedule would be difficult (Computer Concepts and Software Application, Pre-calculus, Chemistry, French 2, Acc. Eng 2, Career Orientation, and AP Biology)
So let's go back to that minute when it started. Tuesday morning I was standing in our school's small gym waiting for the bell to ring. I had my binders, notebooks, Kleenex's, pencils, pens, I had it all. It was GREAT to see old friends. When that bell finally did ring, my stress levels went up a notch. I was worn out from an 18 hole golf tournament on Monday so it was great news that I only had one assignment that first day.
Wednesday was crap. My morning didn't start out to great. The homework was already starting to pile up. Before 10:30 I already had 3 assignments. I was looking forward to lunch.
Now, everyone that sat at my lunch table last year, had the same lunch this year. I assumed that we'd all sit together again (never make assumptions). Anyways, I take my lunch to school everyday, so while everyone else was standing in line, I went and saved "our" table, the table that we sat at everyday last year. I kept waiting for them to come and sit next to me, but they never did. I had been replaced. One kid sat down long enough to eat a cookie, then he got up and left. Except for that brief period of time, I ate lunch alone that day.
I know it sounds like (and it is) stupid high school drama. I like to view myself as a pretty strong person, but I gotta admit, sitting there eating lunch in a cafeteria surrounded by "friends" SUCKS! Thursday, I did have a true friend invite me to her table was good.
I was gone on Friday, and by Monday I thought things were turning around. My old table was begging me to sit with them again so I did. They had invited a new girl to sit with them on the first day and she had continued to sit with them. There was a problem, though. With me sitting there, there weren't enough chairs at the table so one person pulled up a chair and we were squished. I found out later on Monday that they only wanted me back so there wouldn't be room for the new girl to sit there. Ouch.
My job was to kick the new girl out. I'm kind of ashamed that I called these people my friends. Then, today, I sat with them again, just because I had no where else to go. Girl X had put her purse in the new girl's chair so she wouldn't sit there and "hopefully" she would find a new table. That's not cool. I moved the purse and the new girl sat at the table again. Everybody kept complaing in their whiny pre-school voices that there wasn't enough room. I had had enough. I picked up my stuff and went and sat with the same girl I sat with on Thursday.
I feel like an outsider. Not wanted, not needed. It's not a good feeling.
On the way to school this morning, I heard a couple of quotes from Mother Teresa. "Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." and "Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."
Let me start off by saying, I know this is high school. I do not know what it is like to have absolutely no one to be there. I am lucky to have all that I do; however, this past week has REALLY sucked and I have really felt alone.
Hearing these verses awoke that fighter spirit in me. Sitting here wallowing in self pity is going to help absolutely NOTHING! I have enough to do in my life. I've been averaging about 2.5 to 3 hours of homework a night, 3 golf matches a week and practices on days I don't have matches. In a few weeks, scholastic bowl will start. I'm too busy to worry about this stupid crap. Sitting here typing this is making me mad at myself for even getting worked up about it. It is nothing. I am above this.
People come and go. I cannot rely on other people for my happiness.
"And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the ends of the age." -Matthew 28:20
I am not alone.
I remember the very second the water rose above my head... 7:34 A.M. last Tuesday morning. I didn't realize I was drowning then. I thought everything was okay. I was mistaken.
Tuesday morning was the first day of school. I knew my schedule would be difficult (Computer Concepts and Software Application, Pre-calculus, Chemistry, French 2, Acc. Eng 2, Career Orientation, and AP Biology)
So let's go back to that minute when it started. Tuesday morning I was standing in our school's small gym waiting for the bell to ring. I had my binders, notebooks, Kleenex's, pencils, pens, I had it all. It was GREAT to see old friends. When that bell finally did ring, my stress levels went up a notch. I was worn out from an 18 hole golf tournament on Monday so it was great news that I only had one assignment that first day.
Wednesday was crap. My morning didn't start out to great. The homework was already starting to pile up. Before 10:30 I already had 3 assignments. I was looking forward to lunch.
Now, everyone that sat at my lunch table last year, had the same lunch this year. I assumed that we'd all sit together again (never make assumptions). Anyways, I take my lunch to school everyday, so while everyone else was standing in line, I went and saved "our" table, the table that we sat at everyday last year. I kept waiting for them to come and sit next to me, but they never did. I had been replaced. One kid sat down long enough to eat a cookie, then he got up and left. Except for that brief period of time, I ate lunch alone that day.
I know it sounds like (and it is) stupid high school drama. I like to view myself as a pretty strong person, but I gotta admit, sitting there eating lunch in a cafeteria surrounded by "friends" SUCKS! Thursday, I did have a true friend invite me to her table was good.
I was gone on Friday, and by Monday I thought things were turning around. My old table was begging me to sit with them again so I did. They had invited a new girl to sit with them on the first day and she had continued to sit with them. There was a problem, though. With me sitting there, there weren't enough chairs at the table so one person pulled up a chair and we were squished. I found out later on Monday that they only wanted me back so there wouldn't be room for the new girl to sit there. Ouch.
My job was to kick the new girl out. I'm kind of ashamed that I called these people my friends. Then, today, I sat with them again, just because I had no where else to go. Girl X had put her purse in the new girl's chair so she wouldn't sit there and "hopefully" she would find a new table. That's not cool. I moved the purse and the new girl sat at the table again. Everybody kept complaing in their whiny pre-school voices that there wasn't enough room. I had had enough. I picked up my stuff and went and sat with the same girl I sat with on Thursday.
I feel like an outsider. Not wanted, not needed. It's not a good feeling.
On the way to school this morning, I heard a couple of quotes from Mother Teresa. "Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." and "Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."
Let me start off by saying, I know this is high school. I do not know what it is like to have absolutely no one to be there. I am lucky to have all that I do; however, this past week has REALLY sucked and I have really felt alone.
Hearing these verses awoke that fighter spirit in me. Sitting here wallowing in self pity is going to help absolutely NOTHING! I have enough to do in my life. I've been averaging about 2.5 to 3 hours of homework a night, 3 golf matches a week and practices on days I don't have matches. In a few weeks, scholastic bowl will start. I'm too busy to worry about this stupid crap. Sitting here typing this is making me mad at myself for even getting worked up about it. It is nothing. I am above this.
People come and go. I cannot rely on other people for my happiness.
"And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the ends of the age." -Matthew 28:20
I am not alone.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Fore! Oops... sorry...
Some of you may or may not know this about me, but I play golf. I'm not the best, but most days my score is less than Moses's age when he died. Yesterday, we had a golf tournament. It was hot and the course was filled with hills. I certainly got my workout in. Anyways, as I was dragging myself along, I realized that there are a TON of similarities between golf and my personal walk with God.
I just started playing golf about a year ago. All of the coaches that I talked to said that my swing looked excellent and I would be a great golfer in time. But at the end of last season, my scores were TERRIBLE. I got pretty discouraged. I had laid the ground work and was doing everything correctly (according to the coaches and other people I talked to), but it wasn't showing at all. Finally this year, my scores and shots are starting to improve a bit, but it's taking a lot of hard work, practice, and patience. The same can be said for our spiritual lives. Most of the time, we won't see the results immediately. When we bow our heads to pray, very rarely is the result sitting in front of us when we open our eyes. It takes perseverance. It takes endurance to wait. It takes patience. It takes faith. We need to realize that even if God doesn't answer our prayers 30 seconds after the 'amen' is said, He will do what is best for us in His own time.
We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy. -Colossians 1:11
Like I said earlier, the course we played on yesterday was full of hills and it was pretty hot out. We played 18 and as we got around to the 12th or 13th holes, it was a real drag. We were getting seriously worn out. I've been struggling with this same drag in my spiritual life. You can't just drop out and quit, though. You have to push through it. You have to keep going. It will make you stronger.
Fight the good fight for true faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you, which you have confessed so well before many witnesses. -1st Timothy 6:12
Golf is a total mental sport. You WILL make bad shots. That is part of the game. I've known that from day 1; however, I still get upset with myself whenever I hit a bad shot (and it happens a lot). I think a huge struggle for me in both my golf game and my relationship with God is forgiving myself. Just as I WILL make bad shots, I have to realize that I WILL screw up and make mistakes in life. It's how you handle that bad shot or that mistake that makes all the difference. If you are so flustered about what a bad shot you just hit, chances are you'll mess up the next shot, too, because you're not focused. If you clear you're head and have an "Oh well, it happens. This one will be better" attitude, you have a much better chance of getting out of the predicament you find yourself in. The worst thing that you can do is say to yourself "Well, I've already screwed this up. There's not much I can do to make it better, so who cares?" Your troubles are likely to snowball thinking like that. We cannot be perfect. We will screw up. Our God is so amazing, though, that He's only focused on how we handle it. Do we ask for forgiveness and honestly try to live a sin-free life as much as we can, or do we just not care?
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. -2nd Corinthians 12:9
Sometimes I can't stand golf, but other days I love it. I don't want to say that some days I can't stand God, that would be a lie, but there are some days where I'd much rather head straight to bed without saying a prayer or reading a verse. To be perfectly honest, I have my days where I want to be left alone and not bother with God, but just like in golf, you have to keep going. You have to push through the hard moments and know that better days are up ahead. Pushing through will make you better, stronger, and it will pay off in the future.
We don't have to be perfect, we just have to keep going.
I just started playing golf about a year ago. All of the coaches that I talked to said that my swing looked excellent and I would be a great golfer in time. But at the end of last season, my scores were TERRIBLE. I got pretty discouraged. I had laid the ground work and was doing everything correctly (according to the coaches and other people I talked to), but it wasn't showing at all. Finally this year, my scores and shots are starting to improve a bit, but it's taking a lot of hard work, practice, and patience. The same can be said for our spiritual lives. Most of the time, we won't see the results immediately. When we bow our heads to pray, very rarely is the result sitting in front of us when we open our eyes. It takes perseverance. It takes endurance to wait. It takes patience. It takes faith. We need to realize that even if God doesn't answer our prayers 30 seconds after the 'amen' is said, He will do what is best for us in His own time.
We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy. -Colossians 1:11
Like I said earlier, the course we played on yesterday was full of hills and it was pretty hot out. We played 18 and as we got around to the 12th or 13th holes, it was a real drag. We were getting seriously worn out. I've been struggling with this same drag in my spiritual life. You can't just drop out and quit, though. You have to push through it. You have to keep going. It will make you stronger.
Fight the good fight for true faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you, which you have confessed so well before many witnesses. -1st Timothy 6:12
Golf is a total mental sport. You WILL make bad shots. That is part of the game. I've known that from day 1; however, I still get upset with myself whenever I hit a bad shot (and it happens a lot). I think a huge struggle for me in both my golf game and my relationship with God is forgiving myself. Just as I WILL make bad shots, I have to realize that I WILL screw up and make mistakes in life. It's how you handle that bad shot or that mistake that makes all the difference. If you are so flustered about what a bad shot you just hit, chances are you'll mess up the next shot, too, because you're not focused. If you clear you're head and have an "Oh well, it happens. This one will be better" attitude, you have a much better chance of getting out of the predicament you find yourself in. The worst thing that you can do is say to yourself "Well, I've already screwed this up. There's not much I can do to make it better, so who cares?" Your troubles are likely to snowball thinking like that. We cannot be perfect. We will screw up. Our God is so amazing, though, that He's only focused on how we handle it. Do we ask for forgiveness and honestly try to live a sin-free life as much as we can, or do we just not care?
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. -2nd Corinthians 12:9
Sometimes I can't stand golf, but other days I love it. I don't want to say that some days I can't stand God, that would be a lie, but there are some days where I'd much rather head straight to bed without saying a prayer or reading a verse. To be perfectly honest, I have my days where I want to be left alone and not bother with God, but just like in golf, you have to keep going. You have to push through the hard moments and know that better days are up ahead. Pushing through will make you better, stronger, and it will pay off in the future.
We don't have to be perfect, we just have to keep going.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Just be Nice!
This is a poem I wrote for one of my friends almost 2 years ago when I found out she was cutting.
"Pizza box on the floor
The couch is empty
Wide open is the door
She's laying in bed
Surrounded by tissues
Thinking she can't go on like this
She can't face her family
She ignores all her friends
Thinking she'd just bring them shame
She knows that self mutilation
Is such a devastation
But no one will help her
She has no where to turn
No one to blame
But herself
Or so she thinks
Maybe if people these days were not posers
Maybe if she could find
Someone not fake
She could get out of this hole
She put herself in
And begin to enjoy her life again
But not without help
Not without a shoulder to cry on
And these days
That's so hard to find
That's why I'm here today
To offer you mine"
I've been on both sides of this. I've been the cutter (written about here) and I've been the shoulder to lean on and through both of these I've realized that people can be flat out mean! Last night I was watching MTV's The Challenge:Rivals (there was NOTHING on TV last night) and some people started arguing. Some of the things they said were crazy to hear. How could someone say these things to another human being??
"I hate you! I hate you SO much!"
"No one likes you. No one (bleep) likes you."
"Stupid reject of a life. What else do you have to say? You have fake boobs. You're anorexic. You can't get a (bleep) husband. You don't have kids. Your ugly... Cry your (bleep) heart out you anorexic (bleep)! I want you to cry because you are worthless!"
?! Those were words coming out of grown men and women. Adults. Great role models, eh?
Anyways, I know for a fact that these words aren't only being thrown around on some bad, scripted reality show. They're being thrown out in schools, through texts, on the Internet, even in some homes. It's crazy. These words are part of the reason about one-third of young girls and almost 22% of people ages 11-19 have self-harmed (Affinity Health Care, 2008).
Now, I know that words alone are not the only thing to drive people to self-harm. Mine wasn't caused by mean words. But think of how many cases might not have happened if someone would've just kept their mouth shut, or said something nice instead, or even just shared a caring smile.
If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Be nice... please. :D
"Pizza box on the floor
The couch is empty
Wide open is the door
She's laying in bed
Surrounded by tissues
Thinking she can't go on like this
She can't face her family
She ignores all her friends
 |
| 'Nuff said. |
She knows that self mutilation
Is such a devastation
But no one will help her
She has no where to turn
No one to blame
But herself
Or so she thinks
Maybe if people these days were not posers
Maybe if she could find
Someone not fake
She could get out of this hole
She put herself in
And begin to enjoy her life again
But not without help
Not without a shoulder to cry on
And these days
That's so hard to find
That's why I'm here today
To offer you mine"
I've been on both sides of this. I've been the cutter (written about here) and I've been the shoulder to lean on and through both of these I've realized that people can be flat out mean! Last night I was watching MTV's The Challenge:Rivals (there was NOTHING on TV last night) and some people started arguing. Some of the things they said were crazy to hear. How could someone say these things to another human being??
"I hate you! I hate you SO much!"
"No one likes you. No one (bleep) likes you."
"Stupid reject of a life. What else do you have to say? You have fake boobs. You're anorexic. You can't get a (bleep) husband. You don't have kids. Your ugly... Cry your (bleep) heart out you anorexic (bleep)! I want you to cry because you are worthless!"
?! Those were words coming out of grown men and women. Adults. Great role models, eh?
Anyways, I know for a fact that these words aren't only being thrown around on some bad, scripted reality show. They're being thrown out in schools, through texts, on the Internet, even in some homes. It's crazy. These words are part of the reason about one-third of young girls and almost 22% of people ages 11-19 have self-harmed (Affinity Health Care, 2008).
Now, I know that words alone are not the only thing to drive people to self-harm. Mine wasn't caused by mean words. But think of how many cases might not have happened if someone would've just kept their mouth shut, or said something nice instead, or even just shared a caring smile.
If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Be nice... please. :D
Saturday, August 6, 2011
World got you Down?
Hey ya'll!
Has the world got you down? Are you feeling blue? A little depressed? Of little value or worth? Do you need a boost in self-confidence?
If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you need to call 1-800-ISAIAH-43!!!
"... Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom; I gave Ethiopia and Seba in your place. Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you."
How good does that make you feel??? These verses (1-4) have helped lift my spirits on SO many occasions.
I serve an AWESOME God!
What verse(s) lift you up on your dark days?
Has the world got you down? Are you feeling blue? A little depressed? Of little value or worth? Do you need a boost in self-confidence?
If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you need to call 1-800-ISAIAH-43!!!
"... Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom; I gave Ethiopia and Seba in your place. Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you."
How good does that make you feel??? These verses (1-4) have helped lift my spirits on SO many occasions.
I serve an AWESOME God!
What verse(s) lift you up on your dark days?
Thursday, August 4, 2011
All I want for Christmas
 |
| Don't worry. He scares me, too. |
I want...
-A Ferrari
-A clean room-Some money would be nice
-A good golf score on tomorrow's match -A new guitar
-And better weather
Thanks
You da bomb!
I've kinda been struggling with this lately... Not being able to tell my Christmas list and my prayers apart. I know, it's bad. I've been getting lazy, though. I just want to ask and not put in any of the work to get what I asked for.
My plan to get around this: Surround myself with Godly people who I can lean on and who can support me through this and dig into the Word. God must have something good to say about this!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Funny Stuff, Yo.
I go to Mt. Zion High School. It's known to be not only one of the best high schools in central Illinois, but in the entire state. We've been named one of the top 50 high schools in the state of Illinois for the past couple of years. In fact, the school system is the main reason we moved to Mt. Zion. As it's mission statement says, Mt. Zion is... " A great place to learn"
We got a new superintendent this year. Perhaps he's trying a new approach to this whole learning thing...
We got a new superintendent this year. Perhaps he's trying a new approach to this whole learning thing...
No school! And it's not just for this month. No school for the entire year!
Mt. Zion is great!! And their tech staff is even better. :D
Have you laughed today??
Sunday, July 31, 2011
The F-Word
Part of being a teenage girl is having crushes.
There's this guy that goes to my school. He's cute, he's smart, and he's SO sweet. I've never heard anyone say a negative word about him. And the best part... he's single!
He's such a sweet guy, though, that I have no way to tell if he's into me. He asks me over to his house at least once a week, he always asks if he can talk to me the following day, and he gives me a hug just about every time we're together, but he does this to everyone. The worst part about it is he keeps using the F-word... friend. Every time he says it, it's like a dagger stabbing me. UGH!
I don't know what in the world to do. Do I tell him I like him? Do I ask him what his intentions are with having me over all the time? Do I drop hints? What do I do??? Help me... Please.
Boys are trouble. Don't forget that.
There's this guy that goes to my school. He's cute, he's smart, and he's SO sweet. I've never heard anyone say a negative word about him. And the best part... he's single!
He's such a sweet guy, though, that I have no way to tell if he's into me. He asks me over to his house at least once a week, he always asks if he can talk to me the following day, and he gives me a hug just about every time we're together, but he does this to everyone. The worst part about it is he keeps using the F-word... friend. Every time he says it, it's like a dagger stabbing me. UGH!
I don't know what in the world to do. Do I tell him I like him? Do I ask him what his intentions are with having me over all the time? Do I drop hints? What do I do??? Help me... Please.
Boys are trouble. Don't forget that.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Goin' Through the Motions
Have you ever noticed how your body has its own alarm clock? Like during the school year, I'm used to waking up around 6 every morning, so the first couple weeks of summer, I'd continue to wake up around that time. It sucked.
Well I got that at camp, too. Luckily, my body didn't catch on to the whole waking up at 6:30 every morning, but I did get used to being fed 5 times a day and taking an hour and a half nap every afternoon. That causes a couple of problems, though... A) We don't have enough food in our house to feed me 5 times a day and B) Waking up at 11 makes it hard to fit in a 90 minute nap unless you stay up til about 2 in the morning...
Anyways, I feel like we get stuck in these ruts in our spiritual lives sometimes. We get stuck in our routines and just spin our tires being content with where we are at.
In my first post, I mentioned how I would receive a daily Bible verse on my phone. I would read it, but I wouldn't soak anything in. Sometimes I catch myself slipping into that same thing as I'm reading my Bible. I'll catch myself thinking about the TV show that I'm missing or what I'm going to wear the next day. I just go through the motions. I sit down at the end of each day, open my Bible, and a lot of times, that's where I lose my focus.
I catch myself most of the time, but it's still frustrating.
This post makes me think of the Matthew West song, "The Motions".
"I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
'What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?'"
I want to stay focused on God. He deserves that time from me; that uninterrupted time. There's 24 hours in a day. I know, there are a ton of things that HAVE to get done, but... God created me! Without Him, I am nothing. Can I not spare a 15 minutes of my my day? I think I can.
"No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money." -Matthew 6:24
Essentially, I am trying to serve two masters when I'm more focused on worldly things rather than on God. Judging by the past, that won't work out too well.
I am going to consciously try to focus more on God and give Him all the attention He deserves. I pray that while I do this, I focus solely on Him.
Well I got that at camp, too. Luckily, my body didn't catch on to the whole waking up at 6:30 every morning, but I did get used to being fed 5 times a day and taking an hour and a half nap every afternoon. That causes a couple of problems, though... A) We don't have enough food in our house to feed me 5 times a day and B) Waking up at 11 makes it hard to fit in a 90 minute nap unless you stay up til about 2 in the morning...
Anyways, I feel like we get stuck in these ruts in our spiritual lives sometimes. We get stuck in our routines and just spin our tires being content with where we are at.
In my first post, I mentioned how I would receive a daily Bible verse on my phone. I would read it, but I wouldn't soak anything in. Sometimes I catch myself slipping into that same thing as I'm reading my Bible. I'll catch myself thinking about the TV show that I'm missing or what I'm going to wear the next day. I just go through the motions. I sit down at the end of each day, open my Bible, and a lot of times, that's where I lose my focus.
I catch myself most of the time, but it's still frustrating.
This post makes me think of the Matthew West song, "The Motions".
"I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
 |
| Love this! So true!! |
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
'What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?'"
I want to stay focused on God. He deserves that time from me; that uninterrupted time. There's 24 hours in a day. I know, there are a ton of things that HAVE to get done, but... God created me! Without Him, I am nothing. Can I not spare a 15 minutes of my my day? I think I can.
"No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money." -Matthew 6:24
Essentially, I am trying to serve two masters when I'm more focused on worldly things rather than on God. Judging by the past, that won't work out too well.
I am going to consciously try to focus more on God and give Him all the attention He deserves. I pray that while I do this, I focus solely on Him.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Undeserving
I mentioned yesterday about posting the message I gave on Wednesday night. Here you go...
What does it mean to deserve something? I've always thought of it as being worthy, like you have earned it.
I do not deserve God's love. Period.
I came from a broken home. Divorced parents, all that good stuff. I had an alcohol "dad." He wasn't a father, though. He was just a man. Now luckily, this all happened while I was too young to remember it.
I lived with my grandparents while my single mom worked hard to provide for me. Then, when I was six, my mom met her current husband. He is my father. Not by blood, but just by the way he treats me.
Anyone who has divorced parents understands the guilty feeling you get. You feel like the divorce is all your fault, even if that is far from the truth. I think it was because of that guilty feeling that I became a perfectionist and a people pleaser.
Now, there's something funny about being a perfectionist. Being perfect is impossible, so on your journey to being a perfectionist, you're only setting yourself up for failure. Kinda ironic, huh?
Well anyways... As I got older, being a perfectionist became harder, especially once i got into junior high. I started playing a couple different sports, being involved in a few extra-curricular activities, and stressing about my grades. All of this going on, plus the raging hormones of a young adolescent, all became too much. I could not be perfect. I was running and running and exhausting myself for an impossible cause.
I had grown up in the church. I knew God, but I didn't have a faith that was my own. At this point in my life, I was so focused on accomplishing my impossible mission that i was totally denying God. I knew he was real, but I didn't have time for Him. I was throwing myself and all my energy into doing the impossible without God. It was EXHAUSTING!
I started experiencing both mental and physical exhaustion that I had never known before. I didn't know how to deal with it so... I snapped. I began to cut. It took away my pain. It made me feel so much better, except for that gaping hole in my heart that I later learned could only be filled with Jesus. It seems like I tried to fill that hole with everything but Him.
One night it all became too much. I couldn't keep living like this. Something had to change. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor crying and some words popping into my brain. I'm pretty sure that the majority of us have had these words memorized since nursery school. It's the verse John 3:16.
"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."
I was really struggling with my self-esteem, but I read this verse and thought of it over and over again. I realized that I had a person in my life who loved me so much that he died for me. I was of that much value. I was worth that much. I was cared for that much by a man I had turned my back on repeatedly. That still blows my mind.
Okay. Close your eyes. Now think of the one person that you love the absolute most. Is it your boyfriend? Girlfriend? Husband? Wife? Child? Is it your best friend? All right, now take a minute to think about that person and all the things you love about them...
You can open your eyes now.
I'm not sure about you guys, but I know that I am WAY too selfish to let this person die for someone who is totally unworthy.
After all the cutting, after all the running, I deserved God the least, but that's when He loved me the most. By God's grace alone, I was saved. I am undeserving of God's love but He is such an amazing and merciful God that He sought me out and showed His mighty hand when I was at my lowest. He lifted me up. He listened to me. He cared for me, but most of all, He loved me. What an awesome God we serve!
The end. But I feel the need to add the chorus from a worship song here as my prayer for the day.
"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you
Have loved me
BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from Earth into eternity."
-Hosanna by United Live
None of us deserve God. We all have done things that have separated us from God, but no distance is too great to overcome. We serve a mighty master who will ALWAYS take us back.
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of god that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38-39
The entire passage is amazing. I totally suggest reading it. (Romans 8:31-39.)
What does it mean to deserve something? I've always thought of it as being worthy, like you have earned it.
I do not deserve God's love. Period.
I came from a broken home. Divorced parents, all that good stuff. I had an alcohol "dad." He wasn't a father, though. He was just a man. Now luckily, this all happened while I was too young to remember it.
I lived with my grandparents while my single mom worked hard to provide for me. Then, when I was six, my mom met her current husband. He is my father. Not by blood, but just by the way he treats me.
Anyone who has divorced parents understands the guilty feeling you get. You feel like the divorce is all your fault, even if that is far from the truth. I think it was because of that guilty feeling that I became a perfectionist and a people pleaser.
Now, there's something funny about being a perfectionist. Being perfect is impossible, so on your journey to being a perfectionist, you're only setting yourself up for failure. Kinda ironic, huh?
Well anyways... As I got older, being a perfectionist became harder, especially once i got into junior high. I started playing a couple different sports, being involved in a few extra-curricular activities, and stressing about my grades. All of this going on, plus the raging hormones of a young adolescent, all became too much. I could not be perfect. I was running and running and exhausting myself for an impossible cause.
I had grown up in the church. I knew God, but I didn't have a faith that was my own. At this point in my life, I was so focused on accomplishing my impossible mission that i was totally denying God. I knew he was real, but I didn't have time for Him. I was throwing myself and all my energy into doing the impossible without God. It was EXHAUSTING!
I started experiencing both mental and physical exhaustion that I had never known before. I didn't know how to deal with it so... I snapped. I began to cut. It took away my pain. It made me feel so much better, except for that gaping hole in my heart that I later learned could only be filled with Jesus. It seems like I tried to fill that hole with everything but Him.
One night it all became too much. I couldn't keep living like this. Something had to change. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor crying and some words popping into my brain. I'm pretty sure that the majority of us have had these words memorized since nursery school. It's the verse John 3:16.
"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."
I was really struggling with my self-esteem, but I read this verse and thought of it over and over again. I realized that I had a person in my life who loved me so much that he died for me. I was of that much value. I was worth that much. I was cared for that much by a man I had turned my back on repeatedly. That still blows my mind.
Okay. Close your eyes. Now think of the one person that you love the absolute most. Is it your boyfriend? Girlfriend? Husband? Wife? Child? Is it your best friend? All right, now take a minute to think about that person and all the things you love about them...
You can open your eyes now.
I'm not sure about you guys, but I know that I am WAY too selfish to let this person die for someone who is totally unworthy.
After all the cutting, after all the running, I deserved God the least, but that's when He loved me the most. By God's grace alone, I was saved. I am undeserving of God's love but He is such an amazing and merciful God that He sought me out and showed His mighty hand when I was at my lowest. He lifted me up. He listened to me. He cared for me, but most of all, He loved me. What an awesome God we serve!
The end. But I feel the need to add the chorus from a worship song here as my prayer for the day.
"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you
Have loved me
BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from Earth into eternity."
-Hosanna by United Live
None of us deserve God. We all have done things that have separated us from God, but no distance is too great to overcome. We serve a mighty master who will ALWAYS take us back.
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of god that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38-39
The entire passage is amazing. I totally suggest reading it. (Romans 8:31-39.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)