Undeserving

I mentioned yesterday about posting the message I gave on Wednesday night. Here you go...

What does it mean to deserve something? I've always thought of it as being worthy, like you have earned it.

I do not deserve God's love. Period.

I came from a broken home. Divorced parents, all that good stuff. I had an alcohol "dad." He wasn't a father, though. He was just a man. Now luckily, this all happened while I was too young to remember it.

I lived with my grandparents while my single mom worked hard to provide for me. Then, when I was six, my mom met her current husband. He is my father. Not by blood, but just by the way he treats me.

Anyone who has divorced parents understands the guilty feeling you get. You feel like the divorce is all your fault, even if that is far from the truth. I think it was because of that guilty feeling that I became a perfectionist and a people pleaser.

Now, there's something funny about  being a perfectionist. Being perfect is impossible, so on your journey to being a perfectionist, you're only setting yourself up for failure. Kinda ironic, huh?

Well anyways... As I got older, being a perfectionist became harder, especially once i got into junior high. I started playing a couple different sports, being involved in a few extra-curricular activities, and stressing about my grades. All of this going on, plus the raging hormones of a young adolescent, all became too much. I could not be perfect. I was running and running and exhausting myself for an impossible cause.

I had grown up in the church. I knew God, but I didn't have a faith that was my own. At this point in my life, I was so focused on accomplishing my impossible mission that i was totally denying God. I knew he was real, but I didn't have time for Him. I was throwing myself and all my energy into doing the impossible without God. It was EXHAUSTING!

I started experiencing both mental and physical exhaustion that I had never known before. I didn't know how to deal with it so... I snapped. I began to cut. It took away my pain. It made me feel so much better, except for that gaping hole in my heart that I later learned could only be filled with Jesus. It seems like I tried to fill that hole with everything but Him.

One night it all became too much. I couldn't keep living like this. Something had to change. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor crying and some words popping into my brain. I'm pretty sure that the majority of us have had these words memorized since nursery school. It's the verse John 3:16.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."

I was really struggling with my self-esteem, but I read this verse and thought of it over and over again. I realized that I had a person in my life who loved me so much that he died for me. I was of that much value. I was worth that much. I was cared for that much by a man I had turned my back on repeatedly. That still blows my mind.

Okay. Close your eyes. Now think of the one person that you love the absolute most. Is it your boyfriend? Girlfriend? Husband? Wife? Child? Is it your best friend? All right, now take a minute to think about that person and all the things you love about them...
You can open your eyes now.
I'm not sure about you guys, but I know that I am WAY too selfish to let this person die for someone who is totally unworthy.

After all the cutting, after all the running, I deserved God the least, but that's when He loved me the most. By God's grace alone, I was saved. I am undeserving of God's love but He is such an amazing and merciful God that He sought me out and showed His mighty hand when I was at my lowest. He lifted me up. He listened to me. He cared for me, but most of all, He loved me. What an awesome God we serve!

The end. But I feel the need to add the chorus from a worship song here as my prayer for the day.

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you
Have loved me

BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from Earth into eternity."
                                                  -Hosanna by United Live

None of us deserve God. We all have done things that have separated us from God, but no distance is too great to overcome. We serve a mighty master who will ALWAYS take us back.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of god that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38-39

The entire passage is amazing. I totally suggest reading it. (Romans 8:31-39.)