Catching up

Let me take a minute to wipe the dust off of my keyboard and settle in. 

It's been a long time, too long.  A quick update on my life, we were the first Mt. Zion girls golf team to qualify for sectionals and one of my teammates advanced to state.  I'm tied for first in my class (186 people).  Scholastic bowl started, and ended.  We recieved second place in regular season with a 5-1 record.  I got second place for most questions answered in the league.  At the tournament, we got a first place trophy (our school's first since 2006) going 6-0.  I again got second place in questions answered.

Filling in on some of the more major happenings over the past couple of months...

I went to my first homecoming.
Yes, It was hard to face the fact that his hair is way more amazing than mine could ever dream of being.

I guess you could say we're kinda-ish almost dating. Sort of.  I'm confused about the whole situation. 

As far as my spiritual life has gone... well I'm a bit confused about that, too.  I'm trying to read the Bible everyday and I'm in this prayer group that we do before school, but I don't feel that I am sacrificing the time that God deserves.  It's a struggle.

There's been some other cool thing's that've happened, but I'll save those for next time.  My sister just got home from trick-or-treating.   I'm going to go and pick out all the good stuff before she eats it all.  I also need to google all the answers to my homework.

Simpler Times

First off, I'd like to apologize for taking so long to post. Things have been a little crazy.

My allergies are also acting up, and I just took a couple of  Benadryl which means that 1 of 2 things will probably happen. A) I fall asleep and don't get this done tonight or B) I start going loopy and say a bunch of random things and publish this before I have a chance to look it over.  I'll try and hang onto my sanity long enough to get this up tonight.

I spent the weekend with my dad's parents.  I haven't spent the night there in a while.  It was a fun weekend.  My grandpa and I went golfing yesterday, and then he had to referee a volleyball tournament yesterday evening, so I went and hung out with him there.  My great-grandma, grandma, and I all went to church together this morning.

My grandparents live in the middle of country.  It's relaxing but a total change of pace.  They still have a dial-up computer and a TV that doesn't work when the wind is blowing more than 10 mph.  Thank God there was still cell reception!

This morning, my great-grandma, grandma, and I got up and went to their little country church.  I hadn't been there in a very long time.  I totally forgot what it was like to be in a church where there were 13 people total... and 8 of them were family members.  I forgot what it was like to be in a church where there's not even a microphone for the preacher to speak in. Where there's no A/C and church gets canceled due to heat.  Where worship is a single person standing in the front of the church singing acapella.  Where everyone is rejoicing for the quarter inch of rain we got last night.  It was a refreshing change and it was kind of nice to get away to place where no one sweats the small stuff.

It got me thinking back to how much simpler things used to be.  Now, I've only lived 15.75 years on this earth, but talking to relatives, I've heard that things used to be much, much simpler.

In 1934, my great-grandfather was 16 and playing in a band in a restaurant when my 13 year old great-grandma walked in.  He took one look at her in her pink and white cowboy boots, looked her in the eye, and said "I'm gonna marry you one day, pretty lady."  They've been together ever since.

My grandmother and grandfather started dating when they were 12.  My grandpa said they had a jukebox in the cafeteria and everyday at lunch from 7th grade til they graduated, he and my grandma would dance cheek to cheek.

They weren't caught up in all the stupid drama we have now days.  People were true to their word.  I was talking to my great-grandma this weekend and she mentioned how she missed the days when a man's handshake was all you needed to know that he was going to do what he said.  Now, you can't even be sure that a signature in ink means something.

Along the same lines, as I was driving home today, I passed a middle school sign that instead of containing the intended virtue of the week, contained an extremely inappropriate word.  That started a conversation with my mom about how the past couple of generations have sort of gotten out of line.

I am extremely lucky.  Our school instills in you the need for respect.  We have a new football coach that demands the players call him sir.  Some think it's going to far or that it's "old school."  I think it's good.  I also remember having talks in basketball or softball where the coach sits you down and explains that any time you have the school name on your shirt, you MUST conduct yourself in a way that upholds the values of the school and that you are always representing and showing the school and community in a positive light.

This weekend just reminded me of a lot of things.  One of those being that, while yes, things used to be simpler, we are stuck in this world and in this time, and we can make it be whatever we want it to be. 

Last year, I made a decision to have no drama.  Guess what?  Last year was drama free!

 If you want to be caught up in all the gossip, drama, rumors, and other pointless things the world drags us in to, then go ahead.  Just know that that's not the only option. Unfortunatly, time travel is still not possible, but you can go back to simpler times just by your mind set.

As much as the times make the people, the people make the times.

Drowning

I am drowning.

I remember the very second the water rose above my head... 7:34 A.M. last Tuesday morning.  I didn't realize I was drowning then.  I thought everything was okay.  I was mistaken.

Tuesday morning was the first day of school.  I knew my schedule would be difficult (Computer Concepts and Software Application, Pre-calculus, Chemistry, French 2, Acc. Eng 2, Career Orientation, and AP Biology)

So let's go back to that minute when it started.  Tuesday morning I was standing in our school's small gym waiting for the bell to ring.  I had my binders, notebooks, Kleenex's, pencils, pens, I had it all.  It was GREAT to see old friends.  When that bell finally did ring, my stress levels went up a notch.  I was worn out from an 18 hole golf tournament on Monday so it was great news that I only had one assignment that first day.

Wednesday was crap.  My morning didn't start out to great.  The homework was already starting to pile up.  Before 10:30 I already had 3 assignments.  I was looking forward to lunch.

Now, everyone that sat at my lunch table last year, had the same lunch this year.  I assumed that we'd all sit together again (never make assumptions).  Anyways, I take my lunch to school everyday, so while everyone else was standing in line, I went and saved "our" table, the table that we sat at everyday last year.  I kept waiting for them to come and sit next to me, but they never did.  I had been replaced.  One kid sat down long enough to eat a cookie, then he got up and left.  Except for that brief period of time, I ate lunch alone that day.

I know it sounds like (and it is) stupid high school drama.  I like to view myself as a pretty strong person, but I gotta admit, sitting there eating lunch in a cafeteria surrounded by "friends" SUCKS!  Thursday, I did have a true friend invite me to her table was good.

I was gone on Friday, and by Monday I thought things were turning around.  My old table was begging me to sit with them again so I did.  They had invited a new girl to sit with them on the first day and she had continued to sit with them.  There was a problem, though.  With me sitting there, there weren't enough chairs at the table so one person pulled up a chair and we were squished.  I found out later on Monday that they only wanted me back so there wouldn't be room for the new girl to sit there.  Ouch.


My job was to kick the new girl out.  I'm kind of ashamed that I called these people my friends.  Then, today, I sat with them again, just because I had no where else to go.  Girl X had put her purse in the new girl's chair so she wouldn't sit there and "hopefully" she would find a new table.  That's not cool.  I moved the purse and the new girl sat at the table again.  Everybody kept complaing in their whiny pre-school voices that there wasn't enough room.  I had had enough.  I picked up my stuff and went and sat with the same girl I sat with on Thursday. 

I feel like an outsider.  Not wanted, not needed.  It's not a good feeling.

On the way to school this morning, I heard a couple of quotes from Mother Teresa. "Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." and "Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."

Let me start off by saying, I know this is high school.  I do not know what it is like to have absolutely no one to be there. I am lucky to have all that I do; however, this past week has REALLY sucked and I have really felt alone. 

Hearing these verses awoke that fighter spirit in me.  Sitting here wallowing in self pity is going to help absolutely NOTHING!  I have enough to do in my life.  I've been averaging about 2.5 to 3 hours of homework a night, 3 golf matches a week and practices on days I don't have matches.  In a few weeks, scholastic bowl will start.  I'm too busy to worry about this stupid crap.  Sitting here typing this is making me mad at myself for even getting worked up about it.  It is nothing.  I am above this.

People come and go.  I cannot rely on other people for my happiness.

"And be sure of this:  I am with you always, even to the ends of the age." -Matthew 28:20

I am not alone.

Fore! Oops... sorry...

Some of you may or may not know this about me, but I play golf. I'm not the best, but most days my score is less than Moses's age when he died. Yesterday, we had a golf tournament. It was hot and the course was filled with hills.  I certainly got my workout in. Anyways, as I was dragging myself along, I realized that there are a TON of similarities between golf and my personal walk with God.

I just started playing golf about a year ago.  All of the coaches that I talked to said that my swing looked excellent and I would be a great golfer in time.  But at the end of last season, my scores were TERRIBLE.  I got pretty discouraged.  I had laid the ground work and was doing everything correctly (according to the coaches and other people I talked to), but it wasn't showing at all. Finally this year, my scores and shots are starting to improve a bit, but it's taking a lot of hard work, practice, and patience.  The same can be said for our spiritual lives.  Most of the time, we won't see the results immediately.  When we bow our heads to pray, very rarely is the result sitting in front of us when we open our eyes. It takes perseverance. It takes endurance to wait.  It takes patience. It takes faith. We need to realize that even if God doesn't answer our prayers 30 seconds after the 'amen' is said, He will do what is best for us in His own time.

We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy.  -Colossians 1:11

Like I said earlier, the course we played on yesterday was full of hills and it was pretty hot out. We played 18 and as we got around to the 12th or 13th holes, it was a  real drag. We were getting seriously worn out.  I've been struggling with this same drag in my spiritual life. You can't just drop out and quit, though. You have to push through it.  You have to keep going.  It will make you stronger.

Fight the good fight for true faith.  Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you, which you have confessed so well before many witnesses. -1st Timothy 6:12

Golf is a total mental sport. You WILL make bad shots. That is part of the game. I've known that from day 1; however, I still get upset with myself whenever I hit a bad shot (and it happens a lot).  I think a huge struggle for me in both my golf game and my relationship with God is forgiving myself. Just as I WILL make bad shots, I have to  realize that I WILL screw up and make mistakes in life.  It's how you handle that bad shot or that mistake that makes all the difference.  If you are so flustered about what a bad shot you just hit, chances are you'll mess up the next shot, too, because you're not focused.  If you clear you're head and have an "Oh well, it happens. This one will be better" attitude, you have a much better chance of getting out of the predicament you find yourself in.  The worst thing that you can do is say to yourself "Well, I've already screwed this up. There's not much I can do to make it better, so who cares?"  Your troubles are likely to snowball thinking like that. We cannot be perfect. We will screw up. Our God is so amazing, though, that He's only focused on how we handle it. Do we ask for forgiveness and honestly try to live a sin-free life as much as we can, or do we just not care?

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. -2nd Corinthians 12:9

Sometimes I can't stand golf, but other days I love it. I don't want to say that some days I can't stand God, that would be a lie, but there are some days where I'd much rather head straight to bed without saying a prayer or reading a verse.  To be perfectly honest, I have my days where I want to be left alone and not bother with God, but just like in golf, you have to keep going. You have to push through the hard moments and know that better days are up ahead. Pushing through will make you better, stronger, and it will pay off in the future.

We don't have to be perfect, we just have to keep going.

Just be Nice!

This is a poem I wrote for one of my friends almost 2 years ago when I found out she was cutting.

"Pizza box on the floor
The couch is empty
Wide open is the door
She's laying in bed
Surrounded by tissues
Thinking she can't go on like this

She can't face her family
She ignores all her friends

'Nuff said.

Thinking she'd just bring them shame                           
She knows that self mutilation
Is such a devastation
But no one will help her
She has no where to turn
No one to blame
But herself
Or so she thinks

Maybe if people these days were not posers
Maybe if she could find
Someone not fake
She could get out of this hole
She put herself in
And begin to enjoy her life again

But not without help
Not without a shoulder to cry on
And these days
That's so hard to find
That's why I'm here today
To offer you mine"

I've been on both sides of this. I've been the cutter (written about here) and I've been the shoulder to lean on and through both of these I've realized that people can be flat out mean! Last night I was watching MTV's The Challenge:Rivals (there was NOTHING on TV last night) and some people started arguing. Some of the things they said were crazy to hear. How could someone say these things to another human being??

"I hate you! I hate you SO much!"
"No one likes you. No one (bleep) likes you."
"Stupid reject of a life. What else do you have to say? You have fake boobs. You're anorexic. You can't get a (bleep) husband. You don't have kids. Your ugly... Cry your (bleep) heart out you anorexic (bleep)! I want you to cry because you are worthless!"

?! Those were words coming out of grown men and women. Adults. Great role models, eh?

Anyways, I know for a fact that these words aren't only being thrown around on some bad, scripted reality show. They're being thrown out in schools, through texts, on the Internet, even in some homes. It's crazy. These words are part of the reason about one-third of young girls and almost 22% of people ages 11-19 have self-harmed (Affinity Health Care, 2008).

Now, I know that words alone are not the only thing to drive people to self-harm. Mine wasn't caused by mean words. But think of how many cases might not have happened if someone would've just kept their mouth shut, or said something nice instead, or even just shared a caring smile.

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Be nice... please. :D

World got you Down?

Hey ya'll!

Has the world got you down? Are you feeling blue? A little depressed? Of little value or worth? Do you need a boost in self-confidence?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you need to call 1-800-ISAIAH-43!!!

"... Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.  I have called you by name; you are mine.  When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.  When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.  I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom; I gave Ethiopia and Seba in your place.  Others were given in exchange for you.  I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you."

How good does that make you feel??? These verses (1-4) have helped lift my spirits on SO many occasions.

I serve an AWESOME God!

What verse(s) lift you up on your dark days?

All I want for Christmas

Don't worry. He scares me, too.

I want...

-A Ferrari

-A clean room

-Some money would be nice

-A good golf score on tomorrow's match                                   
-A new guitar
-And better weather
Thanks Santa God!
You da bomb!



I've kinda been struggling with this lately... Not being able to tell my Christmas list and my prayers apart. I know, it's bad. I've been getting lazy, though. I just want to ask and not put in any of the work to get what I asked for.

My plan to get around this: Surround myself with Godly people who I can lean on and who can support me through this and dig into the Word. God must have something good to say about this!

Funny Stuff, Yo.

I go to Mt. Zion High School. It's known to be not only one of the best high schools in central Illinois, but in the entire state. We've been named one of the top 50 high schools in the state of Illinois for the past couple of years. In fact, the school system is the main reason we moved to Mt. Zion. As it's mission statement says, Mt. Zion is... " A great place to learn"

 We got a new superintendent this year. Perhaps he's trying a new approach to this whole learning thing...

No school! And it's not just for this month. No school for the entire year!

Mt. Zion is great!! And their tech staff is even better. :D

Have you laughed today??

The F-Word

Part of being a teenage girl is having crushes.

There's this guy that goes to my school. He's cute, he's smart, and he's SO sweet. I've never heard anyone say a negative word about him. And the best part... he's single!

He's such a sweet guy, though, that I have no way to tell if he's into me. He asks me over to his house at least once a week, he always asks if he can talk to me the following day, and he gives me a hug just about every time we're together, but he does this to everyone. The worst part about it is he keeps using the F-word... friend. Every time he says it, it's like a dagger stabbing me. UGH!

I don't know what in the world to do. Do I tell him I like him? Do I ask him what his intentions are with having me over all the time? Do I drop hints? What do I do??? Help me... Please.

Boys are trouble. Don't forget that.

Goin' Through the Motions

Have you ever noticed how your body has its own alarm clock? Like during the school year, I'm used to waking up around 6 every morning, so the first couple weeks of summer, I'd continue to wake up around that time. It sucked.

Well I got that at camp, too. Luckily, my body didn't catch on to the whole waking up at 6:30 every morning, but I did get used to being fed 5 times a day and taking an hour and a half nap every afternoon. That causes a couple of problems, though... A) We don't have enough food in our house to feed me 5 times a day and B) Waking up at 11 makes it hard to fit in a 90 minute nap unless you stay up til about 2 in the morning...

Anyways, I feel like we get stuck in these ruts in our spiritual lives sometimes. We get stuck in our routines and just spin our tires being content with where we are at.

In my first post, I mentioned how I would receive a daily Bible verse on my phone. I would read it, but I wouldn't soak anything in.  Sometimes I catch myself slipping into that same thing as I'm reading my Bible. I'll catch myself thinking about the TV show that I'm missing or what I'm going to wear the next day.  I just go through the motions. I sit down at the end of each day, open my Bible, and a lot of times, that's where I lose my focus.

I catch myself most of the time, but it's still frustrating.

This post makes me think of the Matthew West song, "The Motions".

"I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day

Love this! So true!!

without Your all consuming passion inside of me              
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
'What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?'"

I want to stay focused on God. He deserves that time from me; that uninterrupted time. There's 24 hours in a day. I know, there are a ton of things that HAVE to get done, but... God created me! Without Him, I am nothing. Can I not spare a 15 minutes of my my day? I think I can.

 "No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money." -Matthew 6:24

Essentially, I am trying to serve two masters when I'm more focused on worldly things rather than on God. Judging by the past, that won't work out too well.

I am going to consciously try to focus more on God and give Him all the attention He deserves. I pray that while I do this, I focus solely on Him.

Undeserving

I mentioned yesterday about posting the message I gave on Wednesday night. Here you go...

What does it mean to deserve something? I've always thought of it as being worthy, like you have earned it.

I do not deserve God's love. Period.

I came from a broken home. Divorced parents, all that good stuff. I had an alcohol "dad." He wasn't a father, though. He was just a man. Now luckily, this all happened while I was too young to remember it.

I lived with my grandparents while my single mom worked hard to provide for me. Then, when I was six, my mom met her current husband. He is my father. Not by blood, but just by the way he treats me.

Anyone who has divorced parents understands the guilty feeling you get. You feel like the divorce is all your fault, even if that is far from the truth. I think it was because of that guilty feeling that I became a perfectionist and a people pleaser.

Now, there's something funny about  being a perfectionist. Being perfect is impossible, so on your journey to being a perfectionist, you're only setting yourself up for failure. Kinda ironic, huh?

Well anyways... As I got older, being a perfectionist became harder, especially once i got into junior high. I started playing a couple different sports, being involved in a few extra-curricular activities, and stressing about my grades. All of this going on, plus the raging hormones of a young adolescent, all became too much. I could not be perfect. I was running and running and exhausting myself for an impossible cause.

I had grown up in the church. I knew God, but I didn't have a faith that was my own. At this point in my life, I was so focused on accomplishing my impossible mission that i was totally denying God. I knew he was real, but I didn't have time for Him. I was throwing myself and all my energy into doing the impossible without God. It was EXHAUSTING!

I started experiencing both mental and physical exhaustion that I had never known before. I didn't know how to deal with it so... I snapped. I began to cut. It took away my pain. It made me feel so much better, except for that gaping hole in my heart that I later learned could only be filled with Jesus. It seems like I tried to fill that hole with everything but Him.

One night it all became too much. I couldn't keep living like this. Something had to change. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor crying and some words popping into my brain. I'm pretty sure that the majority of us have had these words memorized since nursery school. It's the verse John 3:16.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."

I was really struggling with my self-esteem, but I read this verse and thought of it over and over again. I realized that I had a person in my life who loved me so much that he died for me. I was of that much value. I was worth that much. I was cared for that much by a man I had turned my back on repeatedly. That still blows my mind.

Okay. Close your eyes. Now think of the one person that you love the absolute most. Is it your boyfriend? Girlfriend? Husband? Wife? Child? Is it your best friend? All right, now take a minute to think about that person and all the things you love about them...
You can open your eyes now.
I'm not sure about you guys, but I know that I am WAY too selfish to let this person die for someone who is totally unworthy.

After all the cutting, after all the running, I deserved God the least, but that's when He loved me the most. By God's grace alone, I was saved. I am undeserving of God's love but He is such an amazing and merciful God that He sought me out and showed His mighty hand when I was at my lowest. He lifted me up. He listened to me. He cared for me, but most of all, He loved me. What an awesome God we serve!

The end. But I feel the need to add the chorus from a worship song here as my prayer for the day.

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you
Have loved me

BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from Earth into eternity."
                                                  -Hosanna by United Live

None of us deserve God. We all have done things that have separated us from God, but no distance is too great to overcome. We serve a mighty master who will ALWAYS take us back.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of god that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38-39

The entire passage is amazing. I totally suggest reading it. (Romans 8:31-39.)

I'm back!

So I got back from church camp last night. This was probably the first year I've really looked forward to going home. Don't get me wrong... I had a fantastic time, but I don't know what it was. This year was also a little different for me. Normally I'm only worried about changing my heart, and my heart was changed this year, but I also got to impact others, too. I came to camp with 2 main goals in mind. First and foremost, to grow closer to God. Secondly, to make new friendships and grow closer to other people. I accomplished both :)

I had been praying a lot lately and felt like God had been laying it on my heart to share my story. I talked to the dean of the camp and he let me share my testimony and give the message on Wednesday night. It was amazing.

I made a lot of new friends and met some FANTASTIC people. People that I hope and pray I keep in touch with through the future.

I felt kinda like an outsider at times, though. The camp that I go to doesn't allow any electronic devices. Well it seemed like I was pretty much the only one not texting in the bathroom or falling asleep to my iPod. Isn't the point of these camps to disconnect from the world and connect to God? Oh well.

So we had 2 college groups come in and help us out. The group from Johnson University in Knoxville, TN was HILARIOUS and super great people.

From left to right: Carrie, Tyler, Courtney, and Max

And we had a group from Greenville College also

Again from left to right: Kelly, Michael, Mitchell, Andrew, Lauren, and... sound guy.

Camp this year was pretty darn great. The people were great, the music was great. And my favorite memory of all.... learning to square dance with Square Dance Hall of Famer Ozzie Pearl calling. That was a BLAST. If I have some time tomorrow, I will write out the message that I gave on Wednesday night  just to give ya'll something else to think about.

Well... my mommy's yelling at me to clean my room so I should probably go...

Love and Hate

I'm 15. I'm not supposed to know about love, right? Well regardless of  that, love causes me some frustration.Not the action of love, but the word. How did something so sacred become so overused? How can we use the same word to express our feelings for God and a stupid TV show or a slice of pizza?? 

I know a lot of high school couples. They will meet a new person and a day later, they will be in "love". The next week they break up. I fear the majority of my generation has no comprehension of true love at all. I am certainly guilty of over-using this word myself, but I'm trying to be more conscious of my use and making some substitutions. For example, now I don't love my pop tarts, I simply like them.

Along with my frustration of the over-use of the word love, the over-use of the word hate, also irks me. God equates hate with murder. This is one word I don't hardly ever use. Why do people feel the need to use it so frequently? Oh well... I can't exactly change what others do.

Enjoy your day :)

Home Sweet Home

Cable... Internet... Cell service. It all seems too good to be true, but I am finally HOME!!! Don't get me wrong, vacation was fantastic, but it's always nice to get home.  It isn't all lovely, though. We came home to a broken air conditioner which would be fine... if it wasn't 95 degrees here. 



Town Water Tower
(AKA only place with cell service)



 





All in all, it was a really good vacation. We had TONS of fun. However, my daily Bible reading didn't go so well. I started out doing good, but I just fell away. There are no excuses to be made. I just have to start up where I left off. Hopefully I will get the kick in the butt that I need when I leave for church camp tomorrow.  

















Different Side of Me

Not many people know this about me, but I enjoy writing poetry. I thought I'd share some of my favorites with you. Please remember that all of these poems were written by ME, so please don't steal any of my work. Please also keep in mind that some of these poems were written at different times in my life so don't judge me. Feel free to comment, though.

Skin
It seems these days/It's all about the birds and the bees/And all you see is knees/And skin, oh skin, it's everywhere
What happened to our modest ways/It seems like they've been left in the past/Why couldn't we have made them last /Just a tad bit longer?
Wearing your shorts a little shorter/Your shirts a little smaller/Doesn't make you cooler/(at least that's what I learned)
But apparently,/My ways are old school/And that does nothing for my cool/But I can live with that
I hope this simple rhyme/Makes you stop and think/And realize that looking like a skank/Doesn't make you pretty

Questions
Why is the grass green? Why is the sky blue? Why is water wet? I'll leave that up to you.
What makes some cars go? and others stop? To find out, do I look on the bottom? or the top?
Is the world really round? Was Galileo right? Now settle down, let's not get in a fight.
Why do some, wonder about so many things, asking questions so constantly, you'd think they're insane?

A Father's only Wish
With tears in his eyes/ he refuses to say good bye/ he's determined to hang on/ one last night/ because he knows that through this strife/ his father needs him
He felt like it was all his fault/ from the day that he was born/ that his mama died/ bringin' him into this world/ and since that day/ it's been just him and his dad
There was no doubt in his mind/ the day the cancer struck/ how devastated his dad would be/ and it seemed like bad luck/ that he was specifically plucked/ for this daunting task/ but he remembered a verse/ his father always shared with him
It was a promise from his Lord above/ never to give him more than he can handle/ that his plans are for good/ never for evil
It was in that moment that he realized/ as he slipped away, that it didn't matter/ that he was only six/ he had followed God's plans/ and, with that, granted his father's only wish

Let them Carry You
When the world's engulfed in flames/ and the heat causes searing pain/ step back and let Tchaikovsky/ carry you away
When the wind blows off your roof/ who will be there to soothe/ just allow Beethoven/ to carry you away
When tsunamis flood the earth/ will there be a new birth/ will we let ourselves overcome the pain/ and let Mozart/ carry us away
When nations are in uproar/ and we just can't take any more/ who will be the one/ to carry us away?

Leaves
Like a leaf on a tree/ green with youth, bursting/ with vivid energy of being new
But day turns to nigh'/ and again the sun will rise/ here/ on the breathless morn
Spring fades/ summer emerges from the grey/ this rebellious stage/ sets in/ wishing, wanting, praying to get away/ but you never quite can
But day turns to nigh'/ and again the sun will rise/ here/ on the breathless morn
Summer gives 'way/ to clear, chilly day/ of autumn/ summer leaf gets its wish/ and finally gets to fall
Then day turns to nigh' and again the sun will rise/ here/ on the breathless morn

A Thousand Times
A thousand times/ I've walked the line/ between good and evil
And a thousand times/ I've fallen/ on the wrong side
I get up/ and I'll try/ a thousand times over
Before I finally/ get it right/

WARNING: this next one is fairly... disturbing
13 Knots
I come to this place/ with a heavy heart/ tears on my face/ no will to restart
As I tie the rope/ I know this is a mistake/ 13 knots in all/ I start to shake
#1/ I'm done/ with meeting all your needs/ being perfect/ just trying to please
#2/ the dew/ on the rose outside the window/ the reminder of how perfect everything is/ how perfect I'm not/ I draw the curtains shut
#3/ the cool breeze/ comes through/ chilling me to the bone/ from where, I wonder/ deep within the soul
#4/ the hardwood floor/ harder and colder than ever before/ I've hit rock bottom/ the rain begins to pour
#5/ I feel/ insanely alive/ so close to death/ so awake, so alert/ ready to dive
#6/ I start to mix/ all the drinks/ hoping to numb the pain/ and it does/ for a while/ then it starts again
#7/ heaven/ was that my goal/ or my parents/ half way there/ half way gone
#8/ I'm late/ to school, the first time ever/ who cares/ I call in sick/ I ain't perfect/ they'll learn
#9/ I'm confined/ but that's all right/ 'cause you give me space/ I'll run away/ that's not okay
#10/ I cannot fend/ for myself anymore/ there's got to be more/ to this life/ but I can't find it
#11/ when, oh when/ will people know my name/ and recognize that I am human/ when will they love me/ for me
#12/ I torture myself/ razors to the wrist/ now ropes to the throat/ but why/ to torture you or I
#13/ the time has come/ this is it/ I say good bye/ and walk away

Sorrow
Why is it so easy/ to fall in love/ with the sadness of another
To find the beauty/ of the sorrow that consumes their soul/ so undeniably attractive

Love me Still
Spiral bound, beating heart, torn up, card board box, I give to you, all I have, hoping, you'll love me still

High School Haikus
Annoying people, and idiots everywhere, high school sucks big time

Packed crowded hallways, screaming and shouts all around, bumping and shoving

Dear lil 8th grader, not much to look forward to, this is very bad

Nerds, geeks, emos, goths/ preppy girls and meat head jocks/ shoved in their own box

Well... that's enough of boring all my readers today. I hope this shows you some different sides of me. If I bored you to sleep, I sincerely apologize. If you made it all the way through this alive, please let me know in the comment section, pretty pretty please.

Have a wonderful day and I'll see you after vacation :)

Me

I made a somewhat extremely obvious observation earlier today. If you don't know me, then... you don't know me. If you aren't involved in my daily life, then you have no clue about me or my inner workings. Let's change that.

I'm 15 and preparing for my second year of high school.  I'm active. I play golf and softball competitively, and basketball on my own. I like to compete. I'm hoping to be captain of our scholastic bowl team next school year. I'm a nerd. As if the scholastic bowl thing wasn't geeky enough, I was on the math team. It was kinda cool when I was the only under-classmen from our school to make it to the state competition, though. I love making music. As of this second, I play clarinet (2nd chair as a freshman) alto and tenor saxophone, a lil bit of trumpet and flute, Irish tin whistle (that's a fun one), keyboard, piano, bass guitar, 6 string guitar, and ukulele. I'm sure that list will grow continually, though. I love to learn. When you love to learn and you love to win, why not push yourself to be valedictorian? That's been a personal goal of mine for a while now. After 25% of my journey through the hell-hole they call high school, I'm ranked #1. I still have the most challenging classes ahead. Fingers are crossed, though.

If you've read my previous couple of posts, which I suggest you do, you probably would gather that I am in LOVE with the Lord. That would be correct. That's not always been the case, though. I've grown up in the church. I got baptised when I was 8. I sang all the songs, clapping along when necessary. I had a Christian mask on. I wore it so long and so often that I put all my effort into keeping the mask on, rather than taking a look at what I was wearing.  Thankfully, this year it's all changed. I've made my faith real. It's legit. I am not ashamed. I LOVE GOD!

So what's in the future? Well... in the near future, like Thursday, my family and I are heading up north. My father's parents own a cabin on Twin Bear Lake in Iron River, WI. It's about a 10 hour drive from here. It should be really fun, though.  It's great there. However, there's no TV, Internet, or cell service there so when I disappear from June 30th through the middle of July, this is where I will be. I'm not ignoring all zero of my readers.


The beautiful lake


The fun continues. The day after I return from vaca will be spent laundering all of my clothes. Yay... It will be worth it, though, because the day after that, I will be off to Little Galilee for a week! The most amazing church camp ever!! I'll try and jot down a blog while waiting on my shorts to dry.

The far off future: I've already mentioned my yearning to be valedictorian. After that, I've narrowed it down to two choices. A) going to the University of Illinois and majoring in chemical and bio molecular engineering or B) going into the United States Air Force and being a scientist (basically being a chemical engineer).  After either one, though, I'd like to get my doctorate in chemical and bio molecular engineering so I can add my name to all the research I do, instead of doing all the work and then attaching some old rich dude's name to it.

All in all, I'm a pretty happy person. I really enjoy my life. I fight with my 8 year old sister constantly. I find my mom annoyingly over-protective and my dad well... we get along usually. We just give each other our space. Through all of that though, I'm happy. It's not that I don't have my bad days. Oh gosh, I have PLENTY of those, but why should I give up when I have a mighty father in Heaven who says this...

"For I know the plans that I have for you," declared the Lord, "Plans of good, never for evil. Plans for a future and of hope. In those hard days when you pray, I will listen. If you are truly looking for me, you will find me." -Jeremiah 29:11-13

He's never let me down :)

Crazy Times

I haven't had a lot of time to really connect with my friends since school got out, so I decided to text a few of them recently.  I got some crazy results.

Friend #1: He LOVES music. He's crazy about it and he's crazy good too, he'd deny that though. He was a good Christian and I really respected and admired his commitment to the Lord.  He wanted to go to Millikin University for music education. He wanted to teach music and share his love, enthusiasm, and joy for it with others. Well, about a month ago, Friend #1 and I broke up after 10 months together. I hadn't really talked to him since but I decided to text him and see what was crackin'. The results were astounding. He said that lately, he's been digging more and more into the Bible. In fact, at the time I texted him, he had just wrapped up a 2 and a half prayer and reading session. He said that he'd been praying a lot about his future.  He said he feels like God is calling to go into youth ministry, not music. WOW! I was shocked. If you know this guy, you know that he runs on music, but I know that all that passion and energy that he has for music, he will have so much more for God and spreading the His word. He's already touched so many peoples' lives, and I know he will touch so many more.

Friend #2: I hadn't talked to her since May 20 on the last day of school. Last I heard, she was wrapped up with some jerk off guy that had one thing on his mind... and it certainly wasn't God. She was such a great girl though. Why him?? As much as I tried to be a supportive friend to her, I would be lying if I said I wasn't totally and completely relieved when she told me they broke up. She said she didn't miss him at all and since the break up, she's really been getting into her Bible.  How cool is this?? 2 friends in one day! She said she totally understood how I've felt recently since getting into my Bible more.  She understood the excitement and fulfillment that God had provided in my life.  A friend that understands is priceless.

Friend #3: I haven't known her for very long. We went to church camp together last summer, but she moved to our school this year.  We had a class together first semester and she came to my small group most weeks. I still feel like I don't really know her, though. That's something I need to work on... getting to know people more. Not know more people, but know people more. Anyways... I sent her a text just to see how she had been doing since school got out. She said her summer had been crazy. She had been to two retreats in the past two weeks and the day that I talked to her, she was in Arizona on a mission trip. I asked if through all those retreats and mission trips she felt closer to God. She described the same thing that I had felt a gazillion times.  She said she was on a total spiritual high after the first retreat but in the past couple of weeks, she's been falling into the "blah hole" as she put it.  That burnt out feeling you get after the spiritual high. She said that hearing from me, and all that I've experienced lately had really inspired her and she was going to try harder to make that daily time for God. As she put it, "I have too much of Him in my heart, to let it all go to waste"

Friend #4: We haven't talked for a year. We used to be inseparable, but something happened and we grew apart.  She sent me a text today. "I miss our friendship, so can we forget about all the drama and start being friends again?" What an awesome opportunity. She's kinda flirted with Christianity before, but she's never made the commitment. We started off with typical girl talk, chatting about boys and such. She told me that she's been getting involved with this guy, but there's a couple of problems; He's going to college in the fall, he'll be 18 in a week or two, and her parents hate him.  She said she was going to have to end, but she REALLY liked this guy. I saw my opportunity, I told her that I normally wouldn't do this, but I'd really changed in the past weeks and I suggested that she take a rest and open her Bible. Just make 10 minutes a day or whatever and just give it a chance. She confided in me that, over the past year, she had been doing a lot of thinking and she'd come to the conclusion that religion was a bunch of bologna, and she believed that god was not real. She was happy for me, but it wasn't for her. OUCH!! Prayer for the both of us, please.

Friendships are important in this life. Christian friendships are like nothing else. We need people in our life that will hold us accountantable for our actions. We need those people who will lift us up and support us through good times and bad. I remember my grandfather telling me when I was little, "You have to be a friend to get a friend." I know that I am lucky to have the friends that I do. I am so excited to hear how their faith has grow, but Friend #4 worries me.

My prayer for today is not only to grow closer to my friends and strengthen our friendship, but it's also to reach out and be a friend to those around me. We have so many opportunities to share about God in our day to day life and we need to take advantage of those. Friend #4 is a reminder of that. I pray that I can work with her and that through me, she will be able to see the glorious works God can do. I pray that God will show his mighty hand and that He will lift her up. Friendships are priceless. Lord, I thank you for the amazing and wonderful friends you have blessed me with. I pray that I can be that same type of friend to those around me.

"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." -Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Thanks Joey (and my smart phone)

If you know anything about me, you may know that I have led a Christian small group before school for the past couple of years.  If you know anything about that, then you probably also know how big of a failure it's been.  Sure we gained a person or two, but nobody gained anything spiritually.  Prepare for that to change next year.  I knew the problem wasn't with the group, it was the leader; me. I was the problem.  God gave me the gift of leadership, but where was I leading this group of people?  It wasn't away from God, but it certainly wasn't closer to Him, either.  This summer, I knew I had to make some changes.  Little did I know how amazing those changes would be.
There was a senior, Joey, who came to the small group some weeks.  He was an amazing speaker and was SO passionate about God.  Joey was talking to us one day and he said that the secret to getting closer to God was to read the Bible.  Yeah, it's God-breathed and the living word. So what? Big deal... right? Wrong. Thanks to technology, I downloaded an app on my phone called Daily Bible.  Basically every morning since April or so, I have been waking up to a verse or two ready for me to read on my phone.  It made me feel good. Yeah, I read the Bible every day... sorta... but I wasn't really reading anything, I wasn't soaking anything in, I wasn't hiding those nuggets of truth in my heart to hold on to.  Once school got out in May, I had a lot of free time on my hands. I was messing around with my phone and with the Daily Bible app and I found a tab called Daily Plan.  I clicked on it.  There was a chapter from 4 different books that you were supposed to read that day. I scrolled down. Man, were there a lot of words.  Was this really worth my time? Did I really want to get closer to God? The answer was yes. 
I sat down and I read. I prayed. I didn't feel any different. I tried it again the next day, and then the next, and then the next. I'd pray that God would open my heart and let me receive His words. I'd read, then I'd thank Him for what He'd given me that day.  As the days passed, I'd settled into somewhat of a routine. Making time to read and pray everyday.  I started to take a closer look at how I felt. How I really felt. I felt full. No longer did I feel the emptiness eating away at me.  No longer did I feel like something was missing.  I felt complete. I pray that I keep this up. This feeling is fascinating. Nothing compares to the joy I've felt since digging into the Bible daily.

My  prayer for today is that I keep reading and praying daily. I pray that I can be an example to those looking up to me and that I can finally lead people towards God without fear, shame, apathy, or laziness blocking the way.

So let us not get tired of doing what is good.  At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up. -Galatians 6:9