I am drowning.
I remember the very second the water rose above my head... 7:34 A.M. last Tuesday morning. I didn't realize I was drowning then. I thought everything was okay. I was mistaken.
Tuesday morning was the first day of school. I knew my schedule would be difficult (Computer Concepts and Software Application, Pre-calculus, Chemistry, French 2, Acc. Eng 2, Career Orientation, and AP Biology)
So let's go back to that minute when it started. Tuesday morning I was standing in our school's small gym waiting for the bell to ring. I had my binders, notebooks, Kleenex's, pencils, pens, I had it all. It was GREAT to see old friends. When that bell finally did ring, my stress levels went up a notch. I was worn out from an 18 hole golf tournament on Monday so it was great news that I only had one assignment that first day.
Wednesday was crap. My morning didn't start out to great. The homework was already starting to pile up. Before 10:30 I already had 3 assignments. I was looking forward to lunch.
Now, everyone that sat at my lunch table last year, had the same lunch this year. I assumed that we'd all sit together again (never make assumptions). Anyways, I take my lunch to school everyday, so while everyone else was standing in line, I went and saved "our" table, the table that we sat at everyday last year. I kept waiting for them to come and sit next to me, but they never did. I had been replaced. One kid sat down long enough to eat a cookie, then he got up and left. Except for that brief period of time, I ate lunch alone that day.
I know it sounds like (and it is) stupid high school drama. I like to view myself as a pretty strong person, but I gotta admit, sitting there eating lunch in a cafeteria surrounded by "friends" SUCKS! Thursday, I did have a true friend invite me to her table was good.
I was gone on Friday, and by Monday I thought things were turning around. My old table was begging me to sit with them again so I did. They had invited a new girl to sit with them on the first day and she had continued to sit with them. There was a problem, though. With me sitting there, there weren't enough chairs at the table so one person pulled up a chair and we were squished. I found out later on Monday that they only wanted me back so there wouldn't be room for the new girl to sit there. Ouch.
My job was to kick the new girl out. I'm kind of ashamed that I called these people my friends. Then, today, I sat with them again, just because I had no where else to go. Girl X had put her purse in the new girl's chair so she wouldn't sit there and "hopefully" she would find a new table. That's not cool. I moved the purse and the new girl sat at the table again. Everybody kept complaing in their whiny pre-school voices that there wasn't enough room. I had had enough. I picked up my stuff and went and sat with the same girl I sat with on Thursday.
I feel like an outsider. Not wanted, not needed. It's not a good feeling.
On the way to school this morning, I heard a couple of quotes from Mother Teresa. "Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." and "Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."
Let me start off by saying, I know this is high school. I do not know what it is like to have absolutely no one to be there. I am lucky to have all that I do; however, this past week has REALLY sucked and I have really felt alone.
Hearing these verses awoke that fighter spirit in me. Sitting here wallowing in self pity is going to help absolutely NOTHING! I have enough to do in my life. I've been averaging about 2.5 to 3 hours of homework a night, 3 golf matches a week and practices on days I don't have matches. In a few weeks, scholastic bowl will start. I'm too busy to worry about this stupid crap. Sitting here typing this is making me mad at myself for even getting worked up about it. It is nothing. I am above this.
People come and go. I cannot rely on other people for my happiness.
"And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the ends of the age." -Matthew 28:20
I am not alone.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Fore! Oops... sorry...
Some of you may or may not know this about me, but I play golf. I'm not the best, but most days my score is less than Moses's age when he died. Yesterday, we had a golf tournament. It was hot and the course was filled with hills. I certainly got my workout in. Anyways, as I was dragging myself along, I realized that there are a TON of similarities between golf and my personal walk with God.
I just started playing golf about a year ago. All of the coaches that I talked to said that my swing looked excellent and I would be a great golfer in time. But at the end of last season, my scores were TERRIBLE. I got pretty discouraged. I had laid the ground work and was doing everything correctly (according to the coaches and other people I talked to), but it wasn't showing at all. Finally this year, my scores and shots are starting to improve a bit, but it's taking a lot of hard work, practice, and patience. The same can be said for our spiritual lives. Most of the time, we won't see the results immediately. When we bow our heads to pray, very rarely is the result sitting in front of us when we open our eyes. It takes perseverance. It takes endurance to wait. It takes patience. It takes faith. We need to realize that even if God doesn't answer our prayers 30 seconds after the 'amen' is said, He will do what is best for us in His own time.
We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy. -Colossians 1:11
Like I said earlier, the course we played on yesterday was full of hills and it was pretty hot out. We played 18 and as we got around to the 12th or 13th holes, it was a real drag. We were getting seriously worn out. I've been struggling with this same drag in my spiritual life. You can't just drop out and quit, though. You have to push through it. You have to keep going. It will make you stronger.
Fight the good fight for true faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you, which you have confessed so well before many witnesses. -1st Timothy 6:12
Golf is a total mental sport. You WILL make bad shots. That is part of the game. I've known that from day 1; however, I still get upset with myself whenever I hit a bad shot (and it happens a lot). I think a huge struggle for me in both my golf game and my relationship with God is forgiving myself. Just as I WILL make bad shots, I have to realize that I WILL screw up and make mistakes in life. It's how you handle that bad shot or that mistake that makes all the difference. If you are so flustered about what a bad shot you just hit, chances are you'll mess up the next shot, too, because you're not focused. If you clear you're head and have an "Oh well, it happens. This one will be better" attitude, you have a much better chance of getting out of the predicament you find yourself in. The worst thing that you can do is say to yourself "Well, I've already screwed this up. There's not much I can do to make it better, so who cares?" Your troubles are likely to snowball thinking like that. We cannot be perfect. We will screw up. Our God is so amazing, though, that He's only focused on how we handle it. Do we ask for forgiveness and honestly try to live a sin-free life as much as we can, or do we just not care?
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. -2nd Corinthians 12:9
Sometimes I can't stand golf, but other days I love it. I don't want to say that some days I can't stand God, that would be a lie, but there are some days where I'd much rather head straight to bed without saying a prayer or reading a verse. To be perfectly honest, I have my days where I want to be left alone and not bother with God, but just like in golf, you have to keep going. You have to push through the hard moments and know that better days are up ahead. Pushing through will make you better, stronger, and it will pay off in the future.
We don't have to be perfect, we just have to keep going.
I just started playing golf about a year ago. All of the coaches that I talked to said that my swing looked excellent and I would be a great golfer in time. But at the end of last season, my scores were TERRIBLE. I got pretty discouraged. I had laid the ground work and was doing everything correctly (according to the coaches and other people I talked to), but it wasn't showing at all. Finally this year, my scores and shots are starting to improve a bit, but it's taking a lot of hard work, practice, and patience. The same can be said for our spiritual lives. Most of the time, we won't see the results immediately. When we bow our heads to pray, very rarely is the result sitting in front of us when we open our eyes. It takes perseverance. It takes endurance to wait. It takes patience. It takes faith. We need to realize that even if God doesn't answer our prayers 30 seconds after the 'amen' is said, He will do what is best for us in His own time.
We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy. -Colossians 1:11
Like I said earlier, the course we played on yesterday was full of hills and it was pretty hot out. We played 18 and as we got around to the 12th or 13th holes, it was a real drag. We were getting seriously worn out. I've been struggling with this same drag in my spiritual life. You can't just drop out and quit, though. You have to push through it. You have to keep going. It will make you stronger.
Fight the good fight for true faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you, which you have confessed so well before many witnesses. -1st Timothy 6:12
Golf is a total mental sport. You WILL make bad shots. That is part of the game. I've known that from day 1; however, I still get upset with myself whenever I hit a bad shot (and it happens a lot). I think a huge struggle for me in both my golf game and my relationship with God is forgiving myself. Just as I WILL make bad shots, I have to realize that I WILL screw up and make mistakes in life. It's how you handle that bad shot or that mistake that makes all the difference. If you are so flustered about what a bad shot you just hit, chances are you'll mess up the next shot, too, because you're not focused. If you clear you're head and have an "Oh well, it happens. This one will be better" attitude, you have a much better chance of getting out of the predicament you find yourself in. The worst thing that you can do is say to yourself "Well, I've already screwed this up. There's not much I can do to make it better, so who cares?" Your troubles are likely to snowball thinking like that. We cannot be perfect. We will screw up. Our God is so amazing, though, that He's only focused on how we handle it. Do we ask for forgiveness and honestly try to live a sin-free life as much as we can, or do we just not care?
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. -2nd Corinthians 12:9
Sometimes I can't stand golf, but other days I love it. I don't want to say that some days I can't stand God, that would be a lie, but there are some days where I'd much rather head straight to bed without saying a prayer or reading a verse. To be perfectly honest, I have my days where I want to be left alone and not bother with God, but just like in golf, you have to keep going. You have to push through the hard moments and know that better days are up ahead. Pushing through will make you better, stronger, and it will pay off in the future.
We don't have to be perfect, we just have to keep going.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Just be Nice!
This is a poem I wrote for one of my friends almost 2 years ago when I found out she was cutting.
"Pizza box on the floor
The couch is empty
Wide open is the door
She's laying in bed
Surrounded by tissues
Thinking she can't go on like this
She can't face her family
She ignores all her friends
Thinking she'd just bring them shame
She knows that self mutilation
Is such a devastation
But no one will help her
She has no where to turn
No one to blame
But herself
Or so she thinks
Maybe if people these days were not posers
Maybe if she could find
Someone not fake
She could get out of this hole
She put herself in
And begin to enjoy her life again
But not without help
Not without a shoulder to cry on
And these days
That's so hard to find
That's why I'm here today
To offer you mine"
I've been on both sides of this. I've been the cutter (written about here) and I've been the shoulder to lean on and through both of these I've realized that people can be flat out mean! Last night I was watching MTV's The Challenge:Rivals (there was NOTHING on TV last night) and some people started arguing. Some of the things they said were crazy to hear. How could someone say these things to another human being??
"I hate you! I hate you SO much!"
"No one likes you. No one (bleep) likes you."
"Stupid reject of a life. What else do you have to say? You have fake boobs. You're anorexic. You can't get a (bleep) husband. You don't have kids. Your ugly... Cry your (bleep) heart out you anorexic (bleep)! I want you to cry because you are worthless!"
?! Those were words coming out of grown men and women. Adults. Great role models, eh?
Anyways, I know for a fact that these words aren't only being thrown around on some bad, scripted reality show. They're being thrown out in schools, through texts, on the Internet, even in some homes. It's crazy. These words are part of the reason about one-third of young girls and almost 22% of people ages 11-19 have self-harmed (Affinity Health Care, 2008).
Now, I know that words alone are not the only thing to drive people to self-harm. Mine wasn't caused by mean words. But think of how many cases might not have happened if someone would've just kept their mouth shut, or said something nice instead, or even just shared a caring smile.
If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Be nice... please. :D
"Pizza box on the floor
The couch is empty
Wide open is the door
She's laying in bed
Surrounded by tissues
Thinking she can't go on like this
She can't face her family
She ignores all her friends
 |
| 'Nuff said. |
She knows that self mutilation
Is such a devastation
But no one will help her
She has no where to turn
No one to blame
But herself
Or so she thinks
Maybe if people these days were not posers
Maybe if she could find
Someone not fake
She could get out of this hole
She put herself in
And begin to enjoy her life again
But not without help
Not without a shoulder to cry on
And these days
That's so hard to find
That's why I'm here today
To offer you mine"
I've been on both sides of this. I've been the cutter (written about here) and I've been the shoulder to lean on and through both of these I've realized that people can be flat out mean! Last night I was watching MTV's The Challenge:Rivals (there was NOTHING on TV last night) and some people started arguing. Some of the things they said were crazy to hear. How could someone say these things to another human being??
"I hate you! I hate you SO much!"
"No one likes you. No one (bleep) likes you."
"Stupid reject of a life. What else do you have to say? You have fake boobs. You're anorexic. You can't get a (bleep) husband. You don't have kids. Your ugly... Cry your (bleep) heart out you anorexic (bleep)! I want you to cry because you are worthless!"
?! Those were words coming out of grown men and women. Adults. Great role models, eh?
Anyways, I know for a fact that these words aren't only being thrown around on some bad, scripted reality show. They're being thrown out in schools, through texts, on the Internet, even in some homes. It's crazy. These words are part of the reason about one-third of young girls and almost 22% of people ages 11-19 have self-harmed (Affinity Health Care, 2008).
Now, I know that words alone are not the only thing to drive people to self-harm. Mine wasn't caused by mean words. But think of how many cases might not have happened if someone would've just kept their mouth shut, or said something nice instead, or even just shared a caring smile.
If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Be nice... please. :D
Saturday, August 6, 2011
World got you Down?
Hey ya'll!
Has the world got you down? Are you feeling blue? A little depressed? Of little value or worth? Do you need a boost in self-confidence?
If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you need to call 1-800-ISAIAH-43!!!
"... Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom; I gave Ethiopia and Seba in your place. Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you."
How good does that make you feel??? These verses (1-4) have helped lift my spirits on SO many occasions.
I serve an AWESOME God!
What verse(s) lift you up on your dark days?
Has the world got you down? Are you feeling blue? A little depressed? Of little value or worth? Do you need a boost in self-confidence?
If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you need to call 1-800-ISAIAH-43!!!
"... Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom; I gave Ethiopia and Seba in your place. Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you."
How good does that make you feel??? These verses (1-4) have helped lift my spirits on SO many occasions.
I serve an AWESOME God!
What verse(s) lift you up on your dark days?
Thursday, August 4, 2011
All I want for Christmas
 |
| Don't worry. He scares me, too. |
I want...
-A Ferrari
-A clean room-Some money would be nice
-A good golf score on tomorrow's match -A new guitar
-And better weather
Thanks
You da bomb!
I've kinda been struggling with this lately... Not being able to tell my Christmas list and my prayers apart. I know, it's bad. I've been getting lazy, though. I just want to ask and not put in any of the work to get what I asked for.
My plan to get around this: Surround myself with Godly people who I can lean on and who can support me through this and dig into the Word. God must have something good to say about this!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Funny Stuff, Yo.
I go to Mt. Zion High School. It's known to be not only one of the best high schools in central Illinois, but in the entire state. We've been named one of the top 50 high schools in the state of Illinois for the past couple of years. In fact, the school system is the main reason we moved to Mt. Zion. As it's mission statement says, Mt. Zion is... " A great place to learn"
We got a new superintendent this year. Perhaps he's trying a new approach to this whole learning thing...
We got a new superintendent this year. Perhaps he's trying a new approach to this whole learning thing...
No school! And it's not just for this month. No school for the entire year!
Mt. Zion is great!! And their tech staff is even better. :D
Have you laughed today??
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