Drowning

I am drowning.

I remember the very second the water rose above my head... 7:34 A.M. last Tuesday morning.  I didn't realize I was drowning then.  I thought everything was okay.  I was mistaken.

Tuesday morning was the first day of school.  I knew my schedule would be difficult (Computer Concepts and Software Application, Pre-calculus, Chemistry, French 2, Acc. Eng 2, Career Orientation, and AP Biology)

So let's go back to that minute when it started.  Tuesday morning I was standing in our school's small gym waiting for the bell to ring.  I had my binders, notebooks, Kleenex's, pencils, pens, I had it all.  It was GREAT to see old friends.  When that bell finally did ring, my stress levels went up a notch.  I was worn out from an 18 hole golf tournament on Monday so it was great news that I only had one assignment that first day.

Wednesday was crap.  My morning didn't start out to great.  The homework was already starting to pile up.  Before 10:30 I already had 3 assignments.  I was looking forward to lunch.

Now, everyone that sat at my lunch table last year, had the same lunch this year.  I assumed that we'd all sit together again (never make assumptions).  Anyways, I take my lunch to school everyday, so while everyone else was standing in line, I went and saved "our" table, the table that we sat at everyday last year.  I kept waiting for them to come and sit next to me, but they never did.  I had been replaced.  One kid sat down long enough to eat a cookie, then he got up and left.  Except for that brief period of time, I ate lunch alone that day.

I know it sounds like (and it is) stupid high school drama.  I like to view myself as a pretty strong person, but I gotta admit, sitting there eating lunch in a cafeteria surrounded by "friends" SUCKS!  Thursday, I did have a true friend invite me to her table was good.

I was gone on Friday, and by Monday I thought things were turning around.  My old table was begging me to sit with them again so I did.  They had invited a new girl to sit with them on the first day and she had continued to sit with them.  There was a problem, though.  With me sitting there, there weren't enough chairs at the table so one person pulled up a chair and we were squished.  I found out later on Monday that they only wanted me back so there wouldn't be room for the new girl to sit there.  Ouch.


My job was to kick the new girl out.  I'm kind of ashamed that I called these people my friends.  Then, today, I sat with them again, just because I had no where else to go.  Girl X had put her purse in the new girl's chair so she wouldn't sit there and "hopefully" she would find a new table.  That's not cool.  I moved the purse and the new girl sat at the table again.  Everybody kept complaing in their whiny pre-school voices that there wasn't enough room.  I had had enough.  I picked up my stuff and went and sat with the same girl I sat with on Thursday. 

I feel like an outsider.  Not wanted, not needed.  It's not a good feeling.

On the way to school this morning, I heard a couple of quotes from Mother Teresa. "Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." and "Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."

Let me start off by saying, I know this is high school.  I do not know what it is like to have absolutely no one to be there. I am lucky to have all that I do; however, this past week has REALLY sucked and I have really felt alone. 

Hearing these verses awoke that fighter spirit in me.  Sitting here wallowing in self pity is going to help absolutely NOTHING!  I have enough to do in my life.  I've been averaging about 2.5 to 3 hours of homework a night, 3 golf matches a week and practices on days I don't have matches.  In a few weeks, scholastic bowl will start.  I'm too busy to worry about this stupid crap.  Sitting here typing this is making me mad at myself for even getting worked up about it.  It is nothing.  I am above this.

People come and go.  I cannot rely on other people for my happiness.

"And be sure of this:  I am with you always, even to the ends of the age." -Matthew 28:20

I am not alone.